You got what you deserved Balcony…through the eyes of Gossie

So I am sure there was at least one good intention when my friend Sara and I decided that we needed to have a weekend away from DEAD-monton after the crazy Christmas holidays. Well why go with two single crazy ass girls when you can go with 5 right? RIGHT? I was still very optimistic while driving Nelly (my beauty car) to pick up the ladies up, that this would be a relaxing weekend away with the girls, enjoying the hot springs, gondola, and night with fondue.

Now please tell me what should have been my sign from the AMLIGHTY above that this weekend was going to be a complete shit show and I should turn my ass around and go home and watch gossip girls all weekend:

1. That FISHLAW shows up to the car with two jugs. One is filled to the brim with dirty martini mix and the other is a thermos filled with hot chocolate and baileys. Na drinkin and drivin is for the Pro’s anyways.

2. AMY and FISHLAW providing several C.D’s full of classical and timeless music such as, Papa Don’t Preach, Prince, Journey, Lady Gaga, and most importantly my theme song…..FAITH…..not the limpy version but that is okay. Na everyone likes a little music!


3. Arriving in Banff, trying to find our hotel while some FARMER TED asshole (We nicknamed him Floyd after) honked his horn, pulled in front of Nelly, and continued to back his cow transporting, 1982, Chevy, piece of shit into my car at a fast rate.

4. The 42 U-turns that were made throughout the 15 mins to run away from Floyd as I flipped him the bird and tried to find our hotel.

5. How about the trip to the liquor store that contained 2 bottles of wine, a 2’6 of jager, several cans of red bull, 24 shots (premade), 2 cases of coolers, and a bottle of gin. Na this is us being responsible with our money. Drink first then go out. Made sense to us.

6. Thinking it was a good idea to walk away with Sara from our other ladies to walk downstairs into a club filled with syphilis men from all over the world.

7. Jumping in a cab with randoms because at 4 am we still think it is a good idea to party with people. Why not right? Their CANADIANS!!!! Canadians won’t hurt you!!

8. Jumping off a two storey balcony at 5 am in the morning.

9. Randomly walking around the Banff streets at 5 am in the morning trying to find our hotel. Why did I not know the name you ask? Well when the four other ladies decided to pull out their cell phones and program the hotel name in their phone, so when they were drunk they would remember, I simply said,
“ Are you guys crazy, like you’re not gonna remember the hotel name when you are drunk”- Maybe that should have been the time, I turned around and went home! When the responsible ones in the group programmed the hotel name in their phone???hmmm……

10. Maybe it was when we showed up to a swingers bar, where each table had their own phone. With these phones came the ability to call any table you wish. Well you already know how this could end up 5 single ladies, singing I will survive and a table of cute boys show up….hmmmm na that was not when it was time to go home. Things were just getting interesting.

11. Oh yes this is when I went home, when Mavie e-breaked on a major highway, backed that shit in reverse because she missed her turn…yes that is when we went home.

Moral of the blog….a two storey balcony can kick the shit out of your knee if you land the wrong way.

Below are some quotes that I stole from Amy blog that we all took in over this two day shenanigan:

Random guy to Goosie as she is jumping over his balcony: "Wait! Let me give you my number, it doesn't have to be like this!"

Random guy #2 to Sara: "Your friend just hopped the balcony and split, does she have a warrant or something?"

Amy to English guy: "There is no way you're English, your teeth aren't fucked up enough."

Sherrin: "I am never sleeping with nig-nog again!"

Amy to a waiter at the Grizzly House after he spilled some water: "You dribbled on me!"
Mavie: "Sloppy!"

Amy in a creepy voice to a different waiter at the Grizzly House after he brought us our Toblerone fondue: "I'd like to dip you in chocolate."

Mavie in creepy witch voice: "I want dick." (note: this is not what you think)

Amy to Mavie at 4AM: "Stop fucking trying to hail a police car!"

All 5 of us to the old guy in the red truck after he honked at Ashleigh for pulling her 34th U turn: "FUCK YOU FLOYD!"

Ashleigh: "He was cute, too bad he was a mute crack head."

Till Next Time

You got what you deserved Laundry Room Floor

It all started one cold winter Saturday evening. There was a Mav, a Goosie, and several shots of jager, tequila, sour vodka, sour jacks, and some shit you light on fire (cause that is always a good idea). Well one thing leads to another and another bright idea comes truckin along to play rock band in our tiny apartment at 3 am in the morning. Next thing I remember is the sounds of dribbling hitting a floor. Like you know the sounds where you’re like holy shit the sink is overflowing and you hear it dribbling. So I jump outta bed and look down my bedroom hallway, which leads to facing the laundry room. The laundry door is slightly propped open, light is on and all I see is Mavie’s g-string, naked leg, and half bum kind of squatting beside the deep freezer. Here is the Dialogue that continued to happen:

Goosie is like, “Dude its 6 am in the morning, what the F**K are you doing in the laundry room”.

Mavie looks at me with disgust…like I am the one asking the most asinine question out there.

Gossie says “Mav your pissing on the laundry room floor dude….wtf are you doing”

Mavie says with a disgusted look again, “I am taking a piss man”!

Gossie, “ Ya but you’re in the fuckin laundry room pissing on the floor”

Mavie “Ya well there are a lot of people out there”

Gossie, “Um it’s just you and me here now. It’s 6 am, everyone is gone and we own two bathrooms that you can use”…..( I am now laughing and pissing myself in my room, cause she still has this look like WTF is gossie’s problem). Mavie looks around at the floor, pulls up her pants, walks to her bathroom, continues to pee, then just walks right back into her room and passes out. 4 hours later I get out of bed walk into the living room and there is Mav eating her granola bar and juice like nothing happened.

Goosie, “So that was an interesting night”

Mavie, “Meh it was okay. I was kinda drunk though”

Gossie, “Ya I can’t believe you pissed on the laundry room floor dude, make sure you clean that shit up. Again, a disgusted look like huh????

Mavie, “What are you talking about”?

Gossie, “Ya man for real you pissed all over the laundry room floor. I have heard of guys being drunk and doing it in a corner, but you pissed on the laundry room floor man.”

Moral of the blog.....if you have a roommate that likes her tequila and can’t hold her bladder, don’t leave clothes on the laundry room floor.
Till Next Time

You got what you deserved Kitchen Sink

Dear weekend of Jan 28-Jan 31 you were a shit show. We’re not sure if was the salsa dancing on Thursday, sweaty men, our BBF making an appearance (Tequila) or the cute little brown boys we met at the end of the night. Yes we say boys for good reasons!
All we can say to that is if they look like a baby face, there is a good chance that they have trains on their sheets, baby powder in their bathroom, posters taped on their wall, and mommy still does their laundry. So when we finally ask a few days later over text...”Um so how old are you”? The response is typical and it is “ I am legal”…lmao no shit kiddy you were in the bar when we met you. “Well I am turning 21 really really soon”! Thanks for letting us be cradle robbers.

Wait….maybe it was Friday night that made the weekend the deciding factor to finally create this blog. Maybe it was the guy who grabbed Mavies shirt, spit (literally) all over her, while saying these oh so great words that all of us love to hear… “ I wanna FUCK You”. Wow now if that does not get your panties wet, I really do not know what else would. Then he continued to slur and spit all over the bar and pick fights with friends that were with us. I think what made the night was when the LUSH decided to buy two shots of sour jacks. Looks away for um about 15 seconds and Goosie (me) decided a fuck it I am kinda thirsty, grabs both of the shots, shoots them off the bar one and then the other. The look on his drunk ass face when both shots were just GONE and the bartender says um $14.50 please…..priceless.

Wait….it was Saturday that made us decide to write this blog. That was it…the kitchen sink. I remember now. Saturday started with a harmless, “I am staying in and playing poker with some girls night”. Ya well that faded by 9:00 pm and the night finished with drinking at two different restaurants, closing down OTR and ending up a “cute” little place downtown. Hahahahah ok so Mav and I are stoked up and LOSER drunk ready to be going to this place referred to as the “JAM SPACE”! It was this shit, condemned hole in the wall behind Grant MacEwan. Shaddy as a mother truck, but hey were drunk let’s do it (That’s what she said). To walk into a building with spray paint on the walls, broken stairs, the shadiest bathroom and the room where they “JAM” in….omg are you fackin kidding me. It has one drum set, a microphone and a bed……OK….Um I think it is time to go….wait though our friend Alize showed up to the party,! Let’s give this place a second chance, what is the worst that can happen?? Herpes, Warts….probably not but hey everyone likes a gift that keeps on giving right? NAT (Said in a BORAT voice). Well 4 am rolls around A Squared are now seeing doubles and decided it is time to go home. Mav goes and passes out and well me….I am now two sheets to the wind, the room is spinning and for some reason I have managed to half undress myself. When suddenly….it happens…. You know it! I am gonna get sick. I run to Mav’s bathroom and happily surprised to see the light on. Look down and there is my little Mavie passed out on the floor. Now the thoughts running through my head “are it’s do or don’t time Goosie, pull it together, be a MAN do the right thing, will she wake up if I do it or make it somewhere else…..Yes I know where…. The kitchen sink!” Why? Why? Why? What did that Kitchen Sink ever do to me, that I felt the need to violate it this way.
Anyways….Moral of the BLOG…. Why use your own personal ensuite bathroom, when the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes anyways.
Till next time!