You got what you deserved Balcony…through the eyes of Gossie

So I am sure there was at least one good intention when my friend Sara and I decided that we needed to have a weekend away from DEAD-monton after the crazy Christmas holidays. Well why go with two single crazy ass girls when you can go with 5 right? RIGHT? I was still very optimistic while driving Nelly (my beauty car) to pick up the ladies up, that this would be a relaxing weekend away with the girls, enjoying the hot springs, gondola, and night with fondue.

Now please tell me what should have been my sign from the AMLIGHTY above that this weekend was going to be a complete shit show and I should turn my ass around and go home and watch gossip girls all weekend:

1. That FISHLAW shows up to the car with two jugs. One is filled to the brim with dirty martini mix and the other is a thermos filled with hot chocolate and baileys. Na drinkin and drivin is for the Pro’s anyways.

2. AMY and FISHLAW providing several C.D’s full of classical and timeless music such as, Papa Don’t Preach, Prince, Journey, Lady Gaga, and most importantly my theme song…..FAITH…..not the limpy version but that is okay. Na everyone likes a little music!


3. Arriving in Banff, trying to find our hotel while some FARMER TED asshole (We nicknamed him Floyd after) honked his horn, pulled in front of Nelly, and continued to back his cow transporting, 1982, Chevy, piece of shit into my car at a fast rate.

4. The 42 U-turns that were made throughout the 15 mins to run away from Floyd as I flipped him the bird and tried to find our hotel.

5. How about the trip to the liquor store that contained 2 bottles of wine, a 2’6 of jager, several cans of red bull, 24 shots (premade), 2 cases of coolers, and a bottle of gin. Na this is us being responsible with our money. Drink first then go out. Made sense to us.

6. Thinking it was a good idea to walk away with Sara from our other ladies to walk downstairs into a club filled with syphilis men from all over the world.

7. Jumping in a cab with randoms because at 4 am we still think it is a good idea to party with people. Why not right? Their CANADIANS!!!! Canadians won’t hurt you!!

8. Jumping off a two storey balcony at 5 am in the morning.

9. Randomly walking around the Banff streets at 5 am in the morning trying to find our hotel. Why did I not know the name you ask? Well when the four other ladies decided to pull out their cell phones and program the hotel name in their phone, so when they were drunk they would remember, I simply said,
“ Are you guys crazy, like you’re not gonna remember the hotel name when you are drunk”- Maybe that should have been the time, I turned around and went home! When the responsible ones in the group programmed the hotel name in their phone???hmmm……

10. Maybe it was when we showed up to a swingers bar, where each table had their own phone. With these phones came the ability to call any table you wish. Well you already know how this could end up 5 single ladies, singing I will survive and a table of cute boys show up….hmmmm na that was not when it was time to go home. Things were just getting interesting.

11. Oh yes this is when I went home, when Mavie e-breaked on a major highway, backed that shit in reverse because she missed her turn…yes that is when we went home.

Moral of the blog….a two storey balcony can kick the shit out of your knee if you land the wrong way.

Below are some quotes that I stole from Amy blog that we all took in over this two day shenanigan:

Random guy to Goosie as she is jumping over his balcony: "Wait! Let me give you my number, it doesn't have to be like this!"

Random guy #2 to Sara: "Your friend just hopped the balcony and split, does she have a warrant or something?"

Amy to English guy: "There is no way you're English, your teeth aren't fucked up enough."

Sherrin: "I am never sleeping with nig-nog again!"

Amy to a waiter at the Grizzly House after he spilled some water: "You dribbled on me!"
Mavie: "Sloppy!"

Amy in a creepy voice to a different waiter at the Grizzly House after he brought us our Toblerone fondue: "I'd like to dip you in chocolate."

Mavie in creepy witch voice: "I want dick." (note: this is not what you think)

Amy to Mavie at 4AM: "Stop fucking trying to hail a police car!"

All 5 of us to the old guy in the red truck after he honked at Ashleigh for pulling her 34th U turn: "FUCK YOU FLOYD!"

Ashleigh: "He was cute, too bad he was a mute crack head."

Till Next Time